Are we ever truly free from our past? Every time I feel like I am finally moving on from something or someone, some random thing just pops up and pulls me right back into the spiral. I wonder is it because I feel too much or is it just my naivety. I have often had my friends advising me that my self-respect has got to be stronger than my feelings. But I just don’t function that way, I have zero self-esteem when it comes to those I love. I have lost a lot because of this, but I have also learned a lot by making mistakes every time I let my emotions get the better of me. Of course, if those lessons were apparent to me earlier, many things would have been different by now.
Sure, there are quirks in me like my overthinking, being too honest, sometimes being extremely moody, my indecisiveness, but mostly I am a happy person. I don’t like to sulk, nor do I like being in the company of those who do. I am not grumpy, but sometimes, life throws such curveballs that you are shaken to the core. “Give it time, everything will be alright”, they say. And I will be honest, it is getting better. But, to think that we can outrun our past is utter foolishness. Knowing myself, I will probably master the art of tricking myself into believing that I have moved on from stuff and that I am happy, in the hope that one day it won’t feel like pretending anymore.
I wonder if it will be easier to not let my emotions get the better of me and leave the part of taking decisions to the logical entity, my mind.