Looking back…

2020 was a remarkably awful year. For someone who gets overwhelmed even by the most trivial changes, I consider making it through the year a pretty big victory. The year sucked at so many levels, and on top of this I lost something (or someone) truly important to me. So, I guess feeling extra-overwhelmed right now is kind of justified.

I went on a nostalgia trip today while clearing out my phone gallery and stumbling upon some childhood pictures. I consider myself so lucky for growing up in a house with my grandparents. My most favourite part of this is the infinite pampering I received and the wisdom. Even today they have a lot of influence on my way of thinking, my belief system and of course, the crazy happy memories. There was this one picture in the gallery probably snapped by my dad, where I am sitting on my grandmother’s lap engrossed in a book, and she is just looking at me with adoration. The picture brought back so many memories, the pancakes she used to make for me, the warm hugs, her way of explaining things to me. You know you have the coolest grandparents when they watch your favourite movies with you, listen to how your day was, jam with you on your favourite songs, basically bringing out the best and the happiest in you. While I sat there smiling and deep in my thoughts replaying all those happy moments, my phone rang bringing me out of the reverie. We all used to be so innocent, full of life and hope and all the good things until life happened. This last year has been so damn hard, so many big changes, so much of loss, hurt, pain, anxiety, you name it and it was there. But we somehow made it through, and that too with the hope that this year will be better. All this time, I have been consumed to a troubling extent by just the thoughts of the person I lost, the one I hoped I will have for the rest of my life. Losing that person has changed me in so many ways.

I don’t know whether this year will be better or not, but I know one thing that if I could make it through the shittiest year of my life, I can handle pretty much anything, and maybe that is true for all of us. Then there are always those who love you to help you out, your favourite books, movies, songs to keep you going, and most importantly your mobile phone. Don’t know about others, but god knows how thankful I am for my phone. One of my friends suggested me to try setting up some quotes as reminders and in some ways, it really helped me a lot. The one that speaks to me most is –

“Things we lose have a way of coming back to us in the end, if not always in the way we expect”.

And I am sure it will all come back, the lost smiles, courage, all the good that is lost. It may seem rather irrational that I am still hung up on this one person when there are hundreds of other things to think about. But we can’t keep a tab on how much to feel for a certain thing. All we can do is to tap on our inner strength and hope that it all works out in the end.

P.S. 2021 please be good. If not better, at least be bearable!!

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