To trying…

You know all this year I have been obsessed about how I should have done things differently and if it would really have made any change. I used to think that I tried my best, but after this one year of contemplation and learning, I realised that even though I did try my best, I was not at my best that time. Why does it always have to be this way, that you learn and grow through suffering? If I knew then what I know now, maybe things would have been different, maybe I would have acted more gracefully than I did. I was petty, and jealous, so much so that I threw away the only chance of keeping you in my life by staying your friend, just because I was not sure if I was strong enough to see you with someone else.

Even after all this time, I am scared to accept the fact that I need to let you go. I can’t stay stuck there, just playing different scenarios in my head. So yes, sadly this staying in denial is not working out anymore because you are long gone. You have started another chapter of your life with someone else. I remember how skeptical you used to be, you had this thing at the back of your mind that people always leave in the end. I wish there was some way that I could let you know that my feelings have not changed even a bit. I have kept my end of the deal- it was and will always be you.

Some things you learn over time and some things get kicked in your face. You don’t even get a minute to process what has been thrown at you. And just like that, you need to accept it and move on because the reality has already changed. I desperately wish for us to have ended up together. There are certain moments of clarity in life when we know for sure what is right for us, and I know we were that “right” for each other. Even though I can’t change the things now, I do regret not having ended things in a different manner. Our relationship deserved an ending as beautiful, as was the beginning.

I know I am flawed, my way of dealing with hurt and grief was bad. I haven’t forgiven you yet for not believing in us. But I wish there was some way to let you know that I am trying my best to become a better person. I want to bring back the girl that you fell for, I want to be the good person I was when I was with you. The thought of accepting the reality and moving on scares me so much, but I have realised that I cannot hold onto the pain forever just because it feels familiar. I have got to accept this now, I have got to face my fears and dilemmas. And I promise you that I will try my best.

Does it all sound too lame? Probably. But who cares, I am a hopeless romantic and I don’t regret any of it. If I had to do it all over again, even after knowing the outcome of this, I would still choose you over anything and everything else.

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