Incoherent 2 AM thoughts

I often wonder why this had to happen to me. All the quotes that talk about treating everything as an experience on one hand, and this nagging feeling on the other. This unrelenting heaviness always manages to weigh down the other. The way we left things on crossroads, we might hope for next chapter and it will come, but our paths are different now, never to merge again. So, were you really a blessing, or am I just compelled to think that you were, to move forward with grace?

From what I have been experiencing lately, it is a combination of both gratitude and regret. I feel you were a blessing, you helped me become a better version of myself, you brought out parts in me I had long forgotten I had, you made me smile more, you made me want more. Then why this heaviness in the heart, is it because I have figured I am incapable of making myself smile truly, or the fact that our paths are never going to cross again?

All things exist in a delicate balance, there’s light and then there’s darkness, there is good in the world, and then there’s bad too. Hell, we have two sides inside us, the good and the bad. Is this why I must accept the downside of having ever met you? Because as much as I want to give you the sole credit of how much I have evolved as a person, the bad inside me sticks out its head time and again to remind me exactly how broken I am, also because of you. Is it wrong that I am so petty, to blame the circumstances I am in on someone else?  It is wrong, self-sabotaging rather, to give this much power to someone else, is what I have been taught and told. But right now, there’s a war waging inside of me as well, with negativity giving strong competition to the goodness I am attempting to shape myself into.

Everyone must go through bad times to appreciate the good things in life even more. Why so many rules dear life, can’t anything be straight and simple for once?


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