My Little Infinity

One thing that I’ve learned till now is that life is highly unpredictable. No matter how much we try to control it or plan it out, it always does as it feels. No one can be taught how to deal with it beforehand, every situation must be lived first. We must go through every emotion, be it positive or negative, before we learn how to enjoy and cherish the happy moments and how to come out of a bad phase. I dedicate this article to the best phase of my life.

“Will I ever be able to forget you?”

No.

“Will I ever be able to forgive you?”

I don’t know!

You came unexpectedly in my life and swept me off my feet. I could hardly believe it, for I was not anticipating it at all. You started working your magic, making me high on dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and endorphins all at ones. I took my sweet time with you, and you let me get drunk on it. You showed me new places, you made me shed my inhibitions, you made me appreciate myself like I had never done before. I was baffled, for I didn’t know if it was a dream or if it was a dream come true. Never had I hold anyone the way I held onto you, for you were the best phase I had ever experienced. I was so overwhelmed, I ignored everything else. At times the enormity of it scared me, and I tried to hold on to you even tighter. I was so consumed by you, I started making plans to be with you forever. I was convinced that you were my escape from all the troubling memories of bad phases, I was convinced that this is how the bad phases come to end to give way to a better tomorrow. I was so much in love with the present, I was blinded by happiness just by thinking how awesome and peaceful the future would be. You were a blessing, the answer to all my prayers.

But I forgot the one ultimate rule- “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” Maybe I held onto you so tight that it suffocated you. Or maybe my moments of fear and doubt resonated into negative feelings which made you leave. Or maybe my past complexes caught up and chased you away. Maybe I took it all for granted, it was too soon to start feeling proud of being in the most beautiful phase. I guess I will never fully understand the reason.

Now that you are gone, I don’t know how to accept the fact that the bad phase is back again. With all the good things the “best phase” taught me, it took away my ability to be practical, to be strong in the face of hurt. I am in denial, with no plans to go into acceptance state soon. I have become an annoyingly hopeful person, nothing seems to shake my faith that you will return. I should hate you for leaving so soon, but I am just angry at you, and a little angrier at myself. I want to cherish you, but it hurts too much to think of it all. The confusion is at peak. Everything is messed up, my thoughts, my handle on feelings. I don’t feel happiness anymore, for I don’t know how to be happy without you. Is it possible for a year to have an impact this big?

Dear “best phase of my life”, no matter what I will never forget you. I can never hate you. I want to get to the place where I will think of you, where I will relive every moment without a hint of melancholy. I wish to remember you like a sweet nostalgia. I will always be hoping and waiting for you. I can never shut my doors for you, for you were my little infinity. You gave me happiness worth 1000 years. No matter how limited the period, but you were all mine.

Will I ever be able to forgive you? I don’t know the answer yet. I hope someday I get to the place I’m trying to reach where I will be able to fully forgive you. I want to wish you all the best, for you are entering someone else’s life to make it as beautiful as you made mine. Am I jealous? Immensely! Am I hurt by your betrayal? Undoubtedly! 

Ten years down the line, I’ll ask myself again,

“Will I ever be able to forgive you?” Hopefully, the answer will be-

“Someday, maybe!”

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2 thoughts on “My Little Infinity

  1. Like what you quoted “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”.. time heals anything .. because hard experiences help you rebuild yourself .. nothing external breaks you.. its just self .. i know people and phases of life when it was bad or worse .. but eventually all of them have come out stronger with time ..

    You should write more often .. all the best

    Liked by 1 person

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